Saturday, August 16, 2008
I'm fed up with everything.
Why can't she just lay off and leave me alone?! Every single day, nag, nag and nag. Just give me a break already! Does she really want to drive me crazy or something?! Even my own brother isn't helping matters. I'm sick and fed up with everything...trying to live up to their expectations. It's like no matter what I do, they'll never be satisfied anyway, so why bother trying?
Since young, it was always my brother this, my brother that. Everyone was always going 'why can't you be like your brother?' all the time. I'm not him, damn it! I wish that they would just disappear! I'm sick and tired of everything and everyone! If only they would just disappear!
Whatever that I said, they never believed me anyway, thinking that I'm sprouting rubbish. Just disappear from my life already and leave me alone! I've had enough!
Why can't she just lay off and leave me alone?! Every single day, nag, nag and nag. Just give me a break already! Does she really want to drive me crazy or something?! Even my own brother isn't helping matters. I'm sick and fed up with everything...trying to live up to their expectations. It's like no matter what I do, they'll never be satisfied anyway, so why bother trying?
Since young, it was always my brother this, my brother that. Everyone was always going 'why can't you be like your brother?' all the time. I'm not him, damn it! I wish that they would just disappear! I'm sick and tired of everything and everyone! If only they would just disappear!
Whatever that I said, they never believed me anyway, thinking that I'm sprouting rubbish. Just disappear from my life already and leave me alone! I've had enough!
9:46 AM
::light in darkness::
Friday, August 15, 2008
I'm back at work today. It's even worse than I thought. I might as well be the wall for all the attention that they paid to me. My only sole concern is the radio that is my sole companion during work hours. Thank kami for the invention of radios!
It is the final game build today before releasing it onto the shelves and yet, I read on some forums that the game will be released as a torrent file even before releasing it onto the shelves! I mean, sure, I do downloading of games myself before, but that was before I started on this job and toiled long hours on it. Ever since then, I've started buying original games since it isn't fair to the people who'd worked so damn hard on the game.
I've got another idea for a fanfiction story today and really...what is it with all the ideas recently? But...I don't think that another person had this idea before since I hadn't read any stories similar to the one that I had an idea for yet.
I had a weird dream last night, though I can't remember what I've been dreaming about... What is it with dreams and forgetting what we've been dreaming about anyway? I've been getting these dreams on and off recently...or maybe it's because that I'm down with the flu or something that I got these dreams.
I've read somewhere that dreams reflect a person's personality and their emotions and maybe whoever said that was right. A new girl came in today - Sarah - I think that she came in on Tuesday when I'm down with the flu. I hadn't really talked to her yet, but she seems relatively nice...I hope.
It is the final game build today before releasing it onto the shelves and yet, I read on some forums that the game will be released as a torrent file even before releasing it onto the shelves! I mean, sure, I do downloading of games myself before, but that was before I started on this job and toiled long hours on it. Ever since then, I've started buying original games since it isn't fair to the people who'd worked so damn hard on the game.
I've got another idea for a fanfiction story today and really...what is it with all the ideas recently? But...I don't think that another person had this idea before since I hadn't read any stories similar to the one that I had an idea for yet.
I had a weird dream last night, though I can't remember what I've been dreaming about... What is it with dreams and forgetting what we've been dreaming about anyway? I've been getting these dreams on and off recently...or maybe it's because that I'm down with the flu or something that I got these dreams.
I've read somewhere that dreams reflect a person's personality and their emotions and maybe whoever said that was right. A new girl came in today - Sarah - I think that she came in on Tuesday when I'm down with the flu. I hadn't really talked to her yet, but she seems relatively nice...I hope.
2:10 PM
::light in darkness::
Thursday, August 14, 2008
No one understands me at all. Not even my own family. I've stayed home again today. Going to work seems like a chore to me now. I might as well be invisible the way that my colleagues at work ignores me and at home, it makes me feel as if I'm not welcomed. I might as well be a stranger in my own house.
It hurts.
I know. I know that my own mother favours my brother. To her, my brother is everything. She never cares about me at all. All she does is yell, yell and yell at me. Even when I was younger, she never bothers to take the time to understand me at all and my own position in school. She was always 'why can't you be like your brother?' all the time. I'm not my own fucking brother, damn it! I am not her puppet, always being at her every whim and call!
I hate them. I just wish that they would disappear! I'm tired of always trying to do things to please them and trying to fulfill all their demands. Why can't they just leave me alone?! It's as if I do not have enough to do - trying to handle all the stress at work and trying to ignore the fact that my colleagues at work thinks that I'm invisible or something. I know that I said to my own brother that I don't mind being alone, but being alone and isolated completely is two different things!
Why can't they understand this or try to understand me for a change?! I am not their plaything or their doll - allowing them to throw around and boss around as they wish! I am tired now. Why can't things be simple? It would be so much easier to get through each day without making me feel as if I'm going through Hell.
It is Hell here and it seems to be Hell over there too. This world...is rotten. Everyone is just trying to use each other to fulfill their own selfish ambitions. My own family is no exception. People only think of themselves, never of others and they're always trying to use people.
I hate it. No one understands me at all. And I won't even bother trying to make my own family try to understand. After all, if they don't even bother trying to spend the time to understand my own situation and me, why should I even bother trying to make them understand? It'll be just a waste of time.
It hurts.
I know. I know that my own mother favours my brother. To her, my brother is everything. She never cares about me at all. All she does is yell, yell and yell at me. Even when I was younger, she never bothers to take the time to understand me at all and my own position in school. She was always 'why can't you be like your brother?' all the time. I'm not my own fucking brother, damn it! I am not her puppet, always being at her every whim and call!
I hate them. I just wish that they would disappear! I'm tired of always trying to do things to please them and trying to fulfill all their demands. Why can't they just leave me alone?! It's as if I do not have enough to do - trying to handle all the stress at work and trying to ignore the fact that my colleagues at work thinks that I'm invisible or something. I know that I said to my own brother that I don't mind being alone, but being alone and isolated completely is two different things!
Why can't they understand this or try to understand me for a change?! I am not their plaything or their doll - allowing them to throw around and boss around as they wish! I am tired now. Why can't things be simple? It would be so much easier to get through each day without making me feel as if I'm going through Hell.
It is Hell here and it seems to be Hell over there too. This world...is rotten. Everyone is just trying to use each other to fulfill their own selfish ambitions. My own family is no exception. People only think of themselves, never of others and they're always trying to use people.
I hate it. No one understands me at all. And I won't even bother trying to make my own family try to understand. After all, if they don't even bother trying to spend the time to understand my own situation and me, why should I even bother trying to make them understand? It'll be just a waste of time.
1:12 PM
::light in darkness::
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I've stayed home again today from the flu. But maybe it's for the best as well. I'm really starting to dread work and it seems like the only thing that I can remotely find to escape from all that is by writing or reading - two things that I loved doing most.
Being sick and lying in bed also allows me to do some thinking. I suddenly realise that I don't have a lot of friends that I can call 'real', though I suppose that it's better than worrying if one of your 'friends' will backstab you in the back. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
But even though I said that I don't care to everyone out there that my colleagues isolated me from their affairs and talks, deep down, I know. I know that I yearned to be part of their group and to talk and laugh with everyone else. I know that I'm lonely. But I just don't want to admit it.
I've found some pictures on the net today when I was surfing for anime pics as I'm feeling bored. It really takes me back to my secondary school days when I'm in school with Hong Chuan and the rest. Laughing and talking with everyone else about anything under the sun. Where had those days gone and when had we driven apart so far? Just one more time, I just want to go back to where those golden years had been for us - just laughing and talking without a care in the world.
I'm tired. Really I am.
11:27 AM
::light in darkness::
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
What a day. Of all days to be sick, it had to be today when I have a ton of work piling up for me. The past few months had been hectic.
Stress has really been getting to me and it's making me feel as if I'm not even welcomed anywhere any longer. Not even my own parents or my brother understands me now. And I don't even know if those few friends that I've got still treats me as such. I'm starting to dread going to work as my colleagues barricaded me from their affairs and talks and it makes me feel as if they don't even care if I drop dead in front of them.
I've never really been a sociable person - that's why I've resorted to writing as it's only through writing that I can escape to another world where I can be the person that I really want to be. I feel so choked up that I can't even breathe. I can't take it any longer... Am I really that awful to be with? Or do they think that I'm just plain weird?
6:32 PM
::light in darkness::
